Dear YOU,

Well, this just really sucks. You were the last person on earth that I thought could ever hurt me like this. After being so good to me, after all the time that you had spent showing me that I was someone important to you... you trample all over my fragile heart. I am still trying to figure out why. Damn it, I told you that night that you put yourself on the line that I didn't want to ruin our amazing friendship, that I was scared of being hurt.

You, whispering: "Do you think I'd ever hurt you"?
Me, hesitating: "I don't know..."
You, with such honesty: "I'd never hurt you."
Me (to myself): "I believe you."

And what the fuck do you do? You rearrange your priorities and cast me aside and make me feel so small and so unwanted and so unimportant. And as much as I want to hate you and forget you and never see your face ever again... I can't. All I can do is miss you. So much.

Love,
Me

Okay, so here's the problem: Girl likes boy. But whether or not the boy likes the girl is yet to be determined. And the girl has just discovered that the boy's very good friend really likes the girl. But the girl really isn't interested in the boy's very good friend.

And now the girl is confused, frustrated, and wants to hide in a cave and is thinking,

"I should have never tried to be social and friendly and put myself out there for the whole wide world to see in the first place because I'm going to be leaving this god-damned lonesome place in about a year and there's no need for me to have this kind of ridiculous teenage drama in my life so I should just be content with the friends I already have and not deal with any new people or boys because boys in general are stupid and will just end up breaking my heart once I offer up mine and I don't think I can handle that right now and I am an idiot."

So, yeah.

Dear YOU,

I need to let you know something. What I'm feeling now. Remember when we were texting that late drunken night and I said, "I want you, but I don't know you." That was followed by absolutely heartbreaking silence for almost two weeks and I began to expect nothing would ever happen. And I was fine with that. Then we finally sat down and had this conversation which revealed that we had stuff in common, like how we feel about this God-forsaken place. I thought that it was so easy to talk to you... about our families, about where we've traveled, about what we want to do with our lives. Then there was that other conversation we had while we were walking around town that afternoon. And the things you told me about yourself. WHY did you tell me those things? WHY did you trust me with all of your history? WHY did you confide in me so easily? You barely even know me! I mean, I am honored and flattered that you trusted me with those words I wouldn't dare tell anyone else... but WHY?!?! WHY me?!?!

In all honestly, I'm scared now. Now that I'm getting to know you. Learning these things about you and learning more about your life and your pain and your impeccable taste in music and your approach to living has started to make me feel something. Damned my big, stupid sentimental heart and how it just wants to open up with the possibility of taking you all in. So again, why are you doing this to me?!?! Maybe the better question is, why am I letting you do this to me? Not knowing the answers to these questions really sucks.

Now I know more about you. And now I like you... maybe even more than before. So now it's out there. Now YOU know.

Love,
Me

I'm having another graduate school crisis. Why the hell am I here? What the heck am I doing? Is anyone ever really going to care about my research? Honestly, I'm feeling that my work is kind of worthless and insignificant... I mean, how is my work going to transform or provide insight into science, into chemistry? I don't think it will. Why is my research important? Right now, I don't think it is. And so how the hell am I going to get a PhD from the load of crap that I'm researching? It's frustrating, depressing, and makes me feel like I'm going to blow chunks any second.

So this afternoon, I sought solace in the library by hunting down copies of The Tao of Pooh and Where the Sidewalk Ends. The wisdom in these simple books has always cheered me up and helped me to regain my bearings. While walking out of the library with these two tiny hardbacks under my arm, with the intention of going home, curling up into my papasan and being appeased by my books and a glass of sweet wine, the most amazing thing happened... something that made me forget about Pooh Bear and Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout Who Would Not Take the Garbage Out. The earth proved that the best things happen when you least expect them.

It started to rain. And rain hard. It was one of those great southern thunderstorms where the rain falls like marbles and the water blankets your feet as you walk through it. It was magical--feeling the rain pelt my skin and soak through my clothes, allowing my toes to swim through the pools of water littered with leaves and blossoms, lifting my head towards the sky and letting the damp drops wash away my makeup, smelling both the dirty humidity and refreshing coolness of the sky simultaneously. I stopped for awhile and just stood in that rainstorm, feeling so small yet so huge, so humbled yet so proud, so alive yet so broken, so sad yet so joyful.

I need to take walks in the rain more often.

Look at all the cherries I've popped! Well, let me first beg your pardon for my vulgarity. I can't believe June is here already. What the hell happened to the month of May? Where did it go? While trying to find it, I've realized that May was quite a productive month for me, so many things accomplished, so many firsts! Let's see, I...

Swam in the Atlantic Ocean for the first time ever.

Had my first academic article published. Now I'm GoogleScholar-ified! Woot!

Performed my first ever modern dance piece during a spring ballet recital.

Hitched a ride in a limousine. I've never been in one before. Thanks Jamal!!!

Drank to the point where I could not remember a single thing (see below). I lost a good eight hours of my life and I've come to the conclusion that an excess of alcohol can rip holes into the space-time continuum.

Had my first ever luxurious and hedonistic hot stone and oil aromatherapy massage. And it actually cost more than my plane ticket to Vegas! Eeeek!

Ate my first In-and-Out burger, a double double animal style. Yum!

Had a milkshake (a peanut butter banana one from a little North Carolinian joint) that literally put me into ecstasy. I've never before had a milkshake that delicious.

Rode an orca whale, a dolphin, a shark, and a seahorse... simultaneously! Go and figure that one out!



Consumed a fried Twinkie. What was I thinking? Never again.



Hit a single, scored a run, and tagged someone out at second while playing my first ever game of softball. And, no, it wasn't a video game, I seriously played!

Revealed a secret which I've hidden for years. Let me tell you, it was very cathartic.

Fell in love. Kind of. Sort of. Okay, fine, it was a movie, but whatever.


Sooo... what's next?!?!?